drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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