why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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