I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
