Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
