My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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