So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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