i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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