Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
