Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Barsexuality is the new black.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
