Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
it's great music for shaving your balls
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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