I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
