bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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