I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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