Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
