the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
