he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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