The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
