i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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