just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
