Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
