Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
