The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
