haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
