Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
nutella sex= disaster
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
