We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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