I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
