My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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