I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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