Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
