i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
