I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
