I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I supernannyed him into submission
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