You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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