sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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