Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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