he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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