I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
