If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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