a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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