Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
and you fell through a lawn chair
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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