I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My vagina is officially offended.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
