singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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