Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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