We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
