I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
this is an emotional support booty call
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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