My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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