Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
