evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
