I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you win again, gameday.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
