Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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