She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
