I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
