I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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