Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I need to stop coming to work sober
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Randomize
