Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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