You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
